Bye guys :(

I hate being anonymous. It sucks.
So I decided to move all posts on this blog to my non-anoymous blog.
Most of you figured out it was me anyway.
www.renirambles.wordpress.com

Emosh has left the building.. It's been real :)

Brothers and Sisters

Hey guys..

Damn it feels so weird typing, I'm sure nobody even checks this site for updates anymore.. It's been a while.
The truth is there is way too much pressure.. like this blog has become some sort of comedy strip and every post has to be funny.. too much pressure dammit. I'm not a funny person, really!
 ... like no really, I'm not funny.

In fact I won't even bore you with any more explanations.. I'm just going to apologize and move one... Take it or leave it..

(fine, I'M SORRY! please don't stop reading my blog posts.. pleeeeaasssseeeee.... i promise to work harder, stop slacking and update more cause I've received all sort of threats and blackmails.. see wahala.. on top my own blog.. abeg oh. Thanks and God bless)

Moving on.. There are a few things i want to get of my chest.. one of which is:


My mom's driver is a very big IDIOT!!!!

I feel so bad for saying this but if you know what I've been through this summer..JESUS!

I do not drive very often in Lagos because they are fixing the roads of the only route I can take to leave my house so traffic on the express is automatically a bastard. The only car I'm allowed to drive in this house is manual and there's no way in hell I'm driving a stick in Lagos traffic.. no way.

A few weeks ago, my friends and I went to glover court to buy some suya (which by the way is the best suya spot in Lagos.. can i get an AMEN?!).. As usual, the suya spot was crowded and we were all dressed up.. we we couldn't exactly hustle our way to the front without looking like a bunch of idiots..

We stood patiently in the haphazard of a queue, we were actually almost at the front when Brother Meeko (the driver), decided to insist that he help us get the suya..

"I go get am fast fast".. he said.

We were elated! So we went back to the car (parked outside the gate) while our good man "helped" us..
5 minutes
10 minutes
30 minutes
45 GAD DEMN MINUTES..
.. and this guy was still NOT back...

I mean we had seen all sorts of people drive in and drive out of this suya spot.. So we decided to check to see that Brother Meeko was still alive and breathing...

This man was sitting down on a stone by the corner... a far distance from the suya queue..

I automatically assumed he had ordered the suya and was waiting for them to call him.. I decided to inquire.. you know.. just to be sure..

Emosh: Ahn ahn Meeko how far now?
Meeko: Ah emosh, i dey oh.. you no dey sit for car again?????
See jamb question.. If i was sitting in the car would I be standing infront of you??? I let that one slide..
Emosh: No No, i mean how far with the suya?
Meeko: oh! ah, d people wey dey here, dem plenty.. so i just tink am say may I sit don for here, make dem clear.. so once dem clear like this, I go buy d suya...

*crickets*

The way I'm describing brother meeko to you, you would think he's a very old man.. FAIL!! This is a young and agile guy in his early or mid 30s.. I mean I tried very hard to understand his reasoning behind his actions.. I couldn't. I JUST COULD NOT!

At the end of the day, we went back on the queue (right back to square one) to buy the suya our very own selves... Needless to say, we amongst the last set of people to leave glover court that day.
It was highly emotional... and embarassing..

That's not all.. oh no.. Brother Meeko is the main cause of my inspiration behind this post today because believe me, I've been going through so much recently that I've gotten really uninspired to blog or tweet.. but yesterday Meeko changed all that.. He put the icing on the bloody cake... I'll come back to this in a bit...

One of my mom's friends from church came to stay with us for the weekend the other day.. Let's call her Sister Sade..she has her own house in Lekki oh, why she came to stay with us, i honestly do not know.. Adults nowadays eh...

Anyway she decided to cook Sunday Lunch (unknowing to my parents) before she went back home in the evening.
I mean it's a lovely gesture and all but did they ask you?? oversabi..
So we were all seated on the table (her included).. ready to dig into the food they thought Jay (the househelp) had prepared...
I took the first bite..
...and I choked...
SEE SALT!.. The food was very very very salty and disgusting.. but I decided not to be rude cause I knew it was her that cooked the food, i was there when she cooked it..

"Emosh are you okay?".. she asked
Idiot woman, you want to poison us and you're asking me if I'm okay...I pity your husband..
"Err, yes aunty I'm okay"..

We were all eating silently.. and I mean death kinda silence.. nobody said a word cause it was obvious.. very obvious that this food was beyond gross..

My dad couldnt take it any more:
  
"MY GOD!... JAY!...... JAAAAAAAAAY!"
"Yes Sir!"
Jay ran into the dining room with the most terrified look on her face.. I shot a glance at my aunty.. she looked like she was about to pass out.. I held back an outburst of laughter.. 
"IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU?...What the hell is this??"
"No sir, I ..." 
"No sir, WHAT?? Did you pour the whole bag of salt in the rice?... This is the worst food I've eaten!" 
Jay was almost in tears
"No be me cook am sa, na Sister Sade cook am!"
#GBAM!

Sister Sade looked like she had just seen a ghost.. she burst into tears and went upstairs. As soon as she shut the door behind her, i burst into laughter, I just couldn't stop.. this shit was too funny... who sent her to cook?? LOL.. in fact LMFAO.. As I'm typing this I'm still laughing.. Oh Lord.. fun times..
Anyway, how they settled that is none of my business, some apologies were made i guess.. I really don't care, she should sha not go near our kitchen again, that's my own.

That evening, my mom instructed brother Meeko to drop Sister Sade back in her house in Lekki. I needed to see a friend in Lekki as well so I went with them.
Before we left My mom asked Meeko if he remembered where Sister Sade lived..
"Ahn ahn, i know d house very well" he replied
 Okay now..

We both slept off in the car on our way there as Brother Meeko has a habit of driving at 40 miles per hour on the highway.. and I'm not exaggerating. You know there's something wrong when all the okadas on the street zoom (and i mean ZOOM) past your car..

Meeko woke us up
"We don reach house ma"
I looked up to see us parked infornt of an uncompleted building..
yeah you read that properly.. it wasn't a typo... we were infront of an uncompleted building.. no doors, no windows, no furniture, no tiles.. just a pure concrete building. Plain and simple.

Hand on head, I took a deep breath..
"Mr Meeko, where are we?"
"No be madam's house be dis?"
I wanted to shout "WHY THE FUCK WOULD 'MADAM' LIVE IN AN UNCOMPLETED BUILDING??"
But i let it go.. Sister Sade and I go to the same church, that wouldn't have ended very well..
As in i was very very very desperate to know what was going through his head because that wasn't the first or second time he was going to Sister Sade's house..
In fact thinking about that day is getting me very upset.. I'm just going to move on!..

NOW YESTERDAY..
I told brother Meeko to take me to take me to picolo mondo.. I slept and woke up in Marcopolo.. but this is the type of thing I'm getting used to so I'm not even going to go into that..
On our way back home in the car, my guy started releasing mess.. (excuse the razness.. Emosh is in her element)..
But for real though, homeboi was not smiling.. At first, i turned off the AC and wound down the windows cause the car was stinking... I thought he would stop after a while.. but no.. my guy just dey mess dey go sha...

Meeko: Emosh, sorry oh, i no know wetin i eat, but water dey do me...
Emosh: Water??
Meeko: eh, water shit..
WTF!
Emosh: So why didn't you 'shit' all the time we were at picolomondo?
Meeko: Een come dey catch me now..

I was soooo irritated... meanwhile, i looked at the road.. see traffic.. BLOOD OF JEEZ!..
The way i'm relating this story to you, it's all like joke now but at the time, it wasn't funny...
Luckily for us, there was a petrol station with a chicken republic on our way.. we stopped by and spent almost an hour there..
By the time I got home I was PISSED OFF!
I'm going to stop now because thinking about Brother Meeko gets me very very emotional... and as always, I'm tired of typing...

PS: I know in my last post I said i was going to blog about one of my followers.. but the idiot does not deserve a whole post to be dedicated to him so that ship has sailed..

This summer has really been something like emotional...

...It's your girl, Emosh..

No. Emosh isn't dead

No Emosh isn't dead.
No Bimpe hasn't gotten to me/ prevented me from blogging, she hasn't even come yet.
No Nepa has not dealt wtih me
Well they have
But that's not why I haven't blogged

But really..
Emosh hasn't updated in like weeks, so sorry about that. I don't know if it's been "writer's block" or if it's cause I've been doing a lot of traveling recently.
But I've experienced A LOT of emotional events in these past few weeks, I don't even know where to start from.

But before I get into all that and before I forget as well, I entered small wahala this evening. I absolutely must share with you..
I have this Aunty.. Aunty Patricia.
Total bitch.
I hate her.
I think she's a witch. She irritates me.
And I know she hates me too, but because she's my dad's friend, she has no choice but to pretend to love me when my dad is around.

So she called the house this evening while I was on my way out. She asked to speak to my dad. Remember when you were a kid, and wouldn’t feel like writing down a phone number and just kinda pretended that you were? That’s what I did.

"Hello?"

"Hello. Emosh is that you?"

"Yes. Who's this?"

"Emi? Who's this? You have no respect. The question you should ask is: 'who is speaking please?'. You're very rude"

At this point, I really wanted to drop the phone. I didn't have time for this rubbish.

"Good evening aunty Patricia. I'm sorry I did not know it was you"

"It doesn't matter who it is.. blah blah blah blah blah"..... "Anyway, where is your daddy?"

"He's not at home"

"Okay i need him to call me back, it's very urgent, tell him to call me back on this number, do you have a pen?"

"Please hold on aunty, let me get one"

Omo, this woman's wahala was much and I was in a hurry, i just couldnt be bothered

"Yes aunty"

"Okay it's 08134679306.. or my second number is 08057003005 . Then if he can't get through to any of them, tell him to call me on 4972035.. Did you get all of that?"

Jonzer

"Yes aunty"

"oya read out the numbers to me"

Heewoo.

"Pardon?"

"Are you deaf? I said read the numbers out to me"

"uhm.."

"You mean to tell me you did not write down the numbers?"

"I.. uhm.."

"ARE YOU MAD?! I cannot believe this! Is there something wrong with you?... There must be something wrong with you? ARE YOU AN IDIOT?.. Stupid, very stupid girl! Come on, will you go and get a pen before i lose my temper"

if you see the way i picked race eh... I even composed  letter of apology after i dropped the phone and emailed it to her.. because that woman is a witch i tell you! I'm sure she's going to report me to my popsi.. hiss

Anyway, that's that. So yeah, I've been doing a lot of traveling recently and I have to share the last travel experience with you cause of the gravity of trauma that I went through..

My flight was horrific, you know when you travel, you see all these JJC looking guys on the flight and if you're unlucky enough, one of them gets to sit right beside you? That's exactly what happened to me. I was certain this man hadn't been on any form of aircraft in his life.

I was seating on my own at first, if I can remember correctly, I was one of the first people to get on the plane so I was sitting closing my eyes, enjoying the moment. My seat was an aisle seat.. 32 J.. or something.
Before I knew it, I smelt something that caused me to wake up..
..instantly..
.. I opened my eyes, this guy wearing about 3 jackets, 2 scarves and a red "Indomie" cap faced backwards was walking towards my seat.
I started praying.
Attempting to speak in tongues even.
Almighty father, please let this homeboy just walk past my seat... abeg
God must have pitied me for that moment cause he walked by. I let out a sigh of relief and closed my eyes again.

I had gone into dream land when someone tapped me.

"Young lady, you have my seat"

I looked up and almost started choking... not because it was the same JJC guy that walked past me a few minutes ago. No. It was because of the stench that came from his mouth as he said those 6 words. I wanted to die.

"No. I'm pretty sure I don't 'have' your seat"

"See! They wrote it here on my paper..." *shoves ticket into my face* "seat number taty two"

I politely pointed out to him that it was 32 K which meant unfortunately he was seating beside me. My guy no wan gree oh.

"A ni you have my seat. I paid money for this seat.. blah blah blah"

So I called one of the air hostesses to sort things out cause I couldn't be bothered to argue with this guy. after about 10 minutes, he finally agreed to sit down beside me.
I knew it was going to be a long plane ride.
This indomie cap guy made me very very emotional, he kept waking me up to say rubbish and ask me stupid questions..

"You're not watching the feem?"

"the what?"

"the TV entertainment"

but how that one take consign you now...

"Nah, i'm straight thanks"

"Eeh, you'll hep me and put on my own, because it's like it's not working"


This went on all through the night, all sort of stupid questions and requests... I felt sorry for him after a while. We shouldn't really make fun of the illiterate because we are fortunate enough to be able to read and write (if you can read this, good news, you are literate.. congrats).
So my guilty conscience won't let me continue but I just hope none of you ever experience what I did.. and if you have, do share...


One more thing I want to talk about.. one of my followers on twitter, but I would leave this for the next post cause it's kind of long and I'm getting bored of my own typing.. so please stay tuned...
Once again it's been something like emotional


..It's your girl, Emosh...

Rude Awakenings

Wow, Emosh has gotten a lot of love over the past few days, thanks guys! Now you're making her all shy and shit.
Nawa oh.

Anyway I haven't blogged in a bit, i apologize, been going through a suicidal phase. It's like ever since I started this blog, everyday has really been something like emotional. Curse perhaps??

My very lovely mother (refer to my last post) woke me up at 6.16am this morning to tell me that in a few weeks my cousin from Ibadan would be coming to stay with us and so "when I wake up", I should go out and buy her a present.

Two things popped into my head as she said this;

1. Is there a particlar reason why this information must be relayed to me at 6 freaking am in the morning?

2. What does "when I wake up" mean? I mean if you barge into someone's room and shout their name repeatedly then proceed to walk over and nudge them violently, NEWS FLASH, the person becomes kind of awake already.


But this is besides the point.. Since I'm being all anonymous here, I'm going to call this Ibadan cousin of mine 'Bimpe'. She's about my age. The last time she came, she spent a whole week and It was one of the most emotional weeks of my life.

 I remember the first night she arrived, she had to sleep in my room, I didn't mind, I mean I have friends who sleep over all the time. No wahala.

At about 3am, i started hearing noises. I ignored them, this is Lagos, there's always noise everywhere..
A few minutes later, i realised that these were not ordinary noises, oh no, someone in this room was laughing and it definitely wasn't me. I turned to look at Bimpe to see her smiling and giggling... in her sleep!
Omo.. if u see the way fear grip me...
I thought okay maybe she's having a funny dream, it happens right? Nah mehn, this babe just dey laugh dey go sha..
My mind started to race, I've never called Jesus's name so many times in my life
I decided to wake her up. I couldn't take it anymore.

I cleared my throat..."uhm..Bimpe.."

"hehehehe"

Jesus.

I tapped her, "Bimpe, please wake up"

She turned over to the other side and the laughing stopped. I was very relieved, i started to ask myself if I laughed like this in my sleep too. Also, when I go to my future boyfriend/husband's house, is this how i would be embarrassing myself?
This should be my next prayer point... I had started to drift off in my thoughts. Next thing..

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Chineke. This girl don kolo for real. I respected myself, got up and quietly walked to my brother's room and slept there. Eh? What kind of madness is that? Lai lai, i won't be a part of it.

The next day, when we were having breakfast, she came down to ask me why I left the room, I gave her some flimsy excuse about how the room was too cold. She didn't buy it, she said she said she was sorry that she tends to sleep talk alot and she's sorry if I got scared.
I started feeling bad..but that shit was scary yo. Bimpe if u ever come across this blog, abeg no try am again. Haba. There should be some sort of cure for that type of thing. Word

The next couple of nights were sort of the same thing, after a while I got used to it, I even started replying her sef. Sometimes she would ask a random question in her sleep and I'll answer.. just to make her comfortable.
One particular morning before she left, her phone alarm went off at 6am.
She immediately got up and left the room.
I was very confused... Is she sleep walking now or something? Nawa oh. I left her.
5 minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes later, she still wasn't back...
I was very irritated, where the hell did this babe go now? She couldn't have gone to the toilet cause my toilet is in my room. I reluctantly got off my bed and went to look for her.

You would not believe what this girl was doing.

She was sitting down on the floor watching big brother "shower hour" on television. I'm not even lying to you.

My homegirl actually took time out to set her alarm clock for 6am so that she can watch naked people bathing. She might have as well asked me for my laptop so that she can watch porn or something. I could tell she was very embarrassed when she saw me so I didn't even ask her any question. I went back to sleep.

These are just a few of the random memories I have of Bimpe, but the most amazing thing about her is her accent. i cant explain it. I remember she was around when I was expecting my results a few summers ago and she kept on asking "are you navos?".. "don't be navos, God is with you". (Navos = Nervous, just incase you're wondering)...
Then words like "first" were pronounced as "fust".
Or "bird" pronounced as "board"..

Okay I'm starting to feel bad now, God forgive me. But somehow, I can't wait for Bimpe to come again, never a dull moment when she's around. I don't know what present to get for her though? Suggestions anyone??

P.S I don't know if anyone is following the 30 something year old guy story.. but guess what?
He read my last post.
Apparently someone put two and two together and showed him my post, but you people sef, nawa for you oh. One can't give you gist in confidence.. hisss
Anyway he confronted me about it and then unfollowed me on twitter. ooooooh, touchy! He didn't even say let me delete her off my bb. He decided to unfollow me. Pathetic much?
Next time don't go around denying your wife and kid and chasing small girls. Not that i'm a small girl or anything, but you get my point.

My hand is paining me.

.. It's your girl, Emosh ...

The 'M' Word

Emosh is not smiling today... Ah no, Emosh is PISSED OFF! Dear all, please go with me on this journey:

You're a guy
You're taking to a girl
You tell her you're single
No I must repeat that last line
YOU TELL HER YOU ARE SINGLE
She's indifferent
You tell her you want to meet up with her
She's like whatever
You go to see a movie
The "date" goes really bad
She gives you the "not interested" signals
You ignore them. You think you can change her mind, as a bad guy abi..
You find out she's in her 20's
She finds out you're in you're 30's
She gets freaked out and says to you.. omo mehn, I NO DO..
You tell her you don't look 30, and you continue to try and get in there
She starts giving you stronger hints.
You're still persistent
She does her research and finds out you have a wife and 3 year old kid
You deny it, you deny them, you deny your freaking family

... Because of a girl you are almost 10 years older than. What kind of person are you???
Ladies and gentlemen, do you see the problem with this?? Can you understand why Emosh is pissed off?

I mean these are the kind of boys my mother warned me about. For as long as I can remember my mother has always been on the MARRIAGE topic.. This very dreadful M word. If i told her I was involved with this kind of guy she might just kill me. Yes, I'm serious.. it is THAT serious. I don't hear word in the house, every small thing, marriage, marriage, marriage.

Typical Situation: My music is playing really loud in my room which is tidy-ish, but a few clothes lying about on my bed.
Mom walks into my room, turns off my speakers and screams: "Emosh what is this nonsense?? why is your room so untidy? Is this how you want to keep your matrimonial room? And why is your music so loud? Are you deaf or something???"
She slams the door
I give her two seconds
She walks back in
"honestly, I cant wait for you to move into your husband's house"
SLAM!!
Or It's exam period, I'm studying hard, killing myself reading for exams, I cant take the stress anymore so I call my mom to calm me down (not a genius move)
My lovely mother says to me: "All this reading you're doing, you can read from today till tomorrow, book will not get you husband oh".... "but i dare you to fail your exams, just try me.. better go back to read and stop complaining"..
SLAM!!
These are a few of the many of the "marriage talk" situations I go through...
One conversation I can never forget is a conversation we had over lunch. This was when I knew my mother was ready to be a mother in law like yesterday..
I'm just going to call my brother "James" for the purpose of this blog... Please note that James is still a young teenager who schools in England as well.

Mom: James, I don't see you bringing any girls to the house.
James: *blank stare*
Dad: Leave him alone, why are u harassing him?
Mom: No, I'm just concerned. So James, do you have a girlfriend?
She takes a sip of her drink
James: Yes
She almost spits out her drink
Mom: You what?
James: I have a girlfriend
Mom: What's her name?
James: Paige
Mom: Paige what?
James: Paige Forbes
My dad seems to be really impressed by this and then proceeds to have a conversation with James about this "Paige" of a girl.. all this while my mom is in deep thought.
After the conversation had long died and we had moved on to other topics, she goes:
"Boya Page oh, abi Paragraph, just go and bring Titi, Sade, Kemi and Ronke home, Sogbo??"

I understand why a mother would want the perfect marriage partner for her child though, I mean who wouldn't? My mother is a very spectacular woman and the way she prays and fasts daily for my future husband, even I can't wait to see who it would turn out to be.
The prayers get more intense as I grow older, some weeks ago, we were all praying, my mom leading in prayer as usual.

"Dear Lord, we thank you for today, we thank you for physical and spiritual blessings, I just want to pray for each and every one of us here today.."
I knew what was coming next.

"We pray for Rachel, we pray that she grows up to be an intelligent young girl, we pray that you help her stop lying and she fears you more"

3 prayer points for Rachael, I counted.

"We pray for James, we pray that he grows upto be successful, we pray that he mixes more with Nigerian boys AND GIRLS.. and if it's your will Lord, we prefer the girls to be Yoruba..."

3 prayer points for James, I counted.

"Now Lord, I bring Emosh into your hands"
She walks over to me and touches my head, my own must be different...

"I thank you Lord for what You've brought her up to be, I pray that she marries in time to the right person. May she not be an idiot and bring a white man home in Jesus name.." she opens her eyes and looks at me.. "I don't hear you say Amen"...
"Amen mommy, Amen"
I thought that was all, which kyn?.. she closed her eyes and continued

"I pray that you give her the wisdom and sense to know what her husband likes and doesn't like so that he would not leave her for a cheap ugly woman. Please remove the foolishness and disobedience from her so that she becomes a better wife to the kind, handsome and most importantly, blessed man you have prepared for her"
Amen..
"May her wedding day be a success and i pray that she..."

And she goes ON! I stopped counting the number of prayer points after a while. By the time we finished praying, i shot a glance at Rachael and James.. They had dozed off long ago. James was even snoring..

The prayer was special but like I said, i can understand her worries. I think to myslef, is it because of the boyfriends I've had?? No that can't be it. Maybe she has dreams about my husband cause I remember a time she called me from Lagos and told me to go on a 15 day fast cause she has a bad dream about my husband.

I'm a very obedient child but omo.. 15 days??? Nah bruv, i kent do it. Is it me that had the dream??

But yes, you can now understand why If i told my mother I was involved with a 30 something year old guy who has a kid, she would probably take me to camp for deliverance.
And while we are on that topic, if you are a guy and you're reading this, can you please explain to me why guys do this?? Okay that's a serious generalization but i hate when guys cheat on their girlfirends but for you to go the extra mile and cheat on your wife.. Please explain the logic behind that the instinctive urge to cheat?

HEEEEEEWWWWOOOO! I just remembered something! Blood of Jesus!
Some weeks ago before the incident, he tweeted that.. in fact, lemme go and look for it and copy and paste it here.. (yes it's that serious)..

Found it! This is his tweet and I quote: "@30somethingyearoldguy: Don't get y married folks (man or woman) cheat inside their marriage? If u want to play the field, then u shouldnt have bothered 2 get married"

and me too like a mumu, i replied "i can marry you for this tweet". Right now I've picked race to my timeline, looking for my reply tweet to his tweet so that i can delete it. What kind of prayer have i prayed for myself.. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!

Why lie on twitter like that?.. and dont even say what if he's really not married.. he is! Cause my source is very very very close to the wife.

This right here is something like emotional...

...It's your girl, Emosh..

In memory of Bingo

OMG I think Mr Pretty Boy read my 'PAY ATTENTION' post, shit shit shit...How embarrassing is that…
Ok Mr Pretty Boy, if you are reading this, I just want to let you know that I was lying about the whole amala thing… I don’t even like amala like that. It’s not my type of food….. I know you’re not asking but my favourite food is actually Yorkshire pudding…

Anyway, today is the 5th year anniversary of the death of my best friend. Highly emotional day. Bingo was not only my best friend, she was my confidant and my inspiration.. Okay now I'm chatting shit, her name wasn't really Bingo, but for the purpose of this blog, I shall call her that. And if you haven't figured out already, Bingo is a dog.. Really going to miss her..

Some people take the sentence "A dog is man's best friend" a bit too literally! Some time ago back in England, I was on my way to a 12pm class and I was running slightly late.
On my way there, this white guy and his dog were standing on the sidewalk. The dog looked like one of those agbero type dogs and I was walking in their direction. (There was no other route I could take to my destination).
Next thing, I heard the guy say "Should we turn left here Charlie?"..

…Omo…

I thought okay, maybe he's on the phone or something, but I stopped, took a good look at him.. my guy’s hands were in his pockets. He goes "Charlie, you always do this, you're not answering me, do we make a left here???"
But na who dey follow this guy talk though… I looked at the dog, he was sitting down, that’s when he yawned one big yawn that exposed his razor blade type teeth… he now turned his ugly humongous face to look at me.
"Jehovah, Kings of Kings, Lord of Lords, Elshadai, Almighty father" Babes had to start praying mehn, cause this agbero looking dog #wasnotsmiling! The dog stood up and positioned it's body towards me.. At this point, I switched to speaking in tongues.

The guy now goes "Are u okay Charlie, do you want to go back? Is that it?. okay let's go back". Then they started walking towards me.. omo, i respected myself and crossed the main road to the other side, i'd rather let car jam me than this dog bite me.. WORD!
So i started walking on my own, i was so freaking late and I had one of those serious lectures. I put my headphones on and listened to my iPod. Next thing, someone tapped me...
I turned round to see this man and Charlie the agbero dog standing behind me. These guys crossed the road to follow me sha… WTF! "HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!" I started screaming as I was walking/running forward. The guy now started begging me to stop screaming.

Guy: Hey hey hey, please stop that, you're upsetting Charlie"
This is why I hate this country
Emosh: I'm upsetting who?
Guy: Charlie, he has feelings too you know, why did you cross the road?
I started walking forward, surely bobo yi ti ya weyrey (this man had run mad). They followed me, Charlie started barking.. This was getting very scary and irrititating.
Emosh: Please take that thing away from me
The guy suddenly jumped and covered Charlie's ears.
Guy: DON’T EVER SAY THAT TO A DOG AGAIN! He is not a thing, he is harmless, an animal just like you and I!
Is it my ears or did this idiot just call me an animal???
Emosh: Me, animal? Your fore-fathers
Guy: what?
Emosh: Look, I do not freaking care about China or Charles or whatever the stupid dog’s name is
And with that I started to run away… By the time I got to class it was 1.30pm. I shall never stop cursing that man… How can one be so psycho to start treating a dog like a human being? And if you are reading this and getting offended, get yourself freaking checked! Because the reality of it is: You. Are. Not. Normal!

I wanted to blog about something entirely different but this occured to me as I'm getting all emosh about Bingo. i have to run now, so many things to sort out, I'll be back though, need to get a few things off my chest.. till then

...It's your girl, Emosh..

Quick one

Okay thanks to one of my trusted friends, i have new followers.. Yay
HOWEVER this is not really a post, I just want to say something really quickly, some of you have figured me out, some of you have figured the wrong person out.

If you already know me, refer to my profile description and if you think you know, please stop thinking. It's not for you.

I mean thinking about it (yes thinking is very much for me), I haven't really said much here, it's not gossip girl, abi I insult your papa?? so what's the big deal anyway

All that serious stuff out of the way, I hate getting all serious..
I shall be posting something today.. stay tuned!

...It's your girl, Emosh..

"PAY ATTENTION"

Mehn it's really important to pay attention to what people say oh, I just need to blog about what happened to me this evening.
This guy told me he was coming to see me at home right, this was at 4pm ish, i had just gotten out of the shower at the time, wearing absolutely rubbish, hair in a mess, make-up less. He bbm'd me saying: "I'll be there in 15 mins".. tell me why my brain interpreted that to be "I'll be there in an hour"... BIG MISTAKE.
I went to the kitchen, asked the housegirl (let's call her Jay) what i was eating for lunch;
Emosh: Jay, hommie, what's cooking?
Jay: kile fe je? (what do u want to eat?)
Emosh: Anything mehn,, your girl's tummy is talking the hardest right about now
Jay (*wtf did this girl just say face*): eh?
Emosh: Never mind babe, what did u make this afternoon?
Jay: Amala
Emosh: *silence*
Emosh: okay fine, I'll have that

So that's how i went upstairs, balanced myself on the couch in my scary state..
....just me and my amala...
Had completely forgotten anybody was coming... I was too distracted by the fact that this was some good stuff I was eating.. I haven't had amala in like 3, 4 years and I was just realising how much I missed it..
So i had like 3 or 4 forks when I saw my bb light flashing.
I ignored it..
nothing can be more important than my amala right now.. Five minutes later, the light started to annoy me so I checked:
"I'm outside".
FAAAACKKIN HELL.. i started choking, I'm not even lying, i was choking as I picked race into my room. My mother came out of her room; "Emosh are you okay?".. I didn't even answer her, I just slammed the door..
What kind of disaster is this? I've never multi-tasked like how i multitasked this evening before in my life: brushing my hair as I was jumping into my skinny jeans as I was putting on some make-up, as i was brushing my teeth.. It was a sight to behold..
I took my plate of amala to the kitchen, I instructed Jay to keep it well. I told her that somebody will die if she threw the amala away..
I went outside, (checked myself in the mirror first).. saw my visitor who happens to be a very pretty boy actually so I had to do babe and all
I let him in;
Emosh: Sorry, it took so long, I was talking to my mom (... why are you judging me? what did you want me to say "Sorry it took so long, I was eating amala and i got distracted"????? no thanks)
Mr PrettyBoy: It's okay, no worries
Emosh: Do u want anything to eat or drink?
Mr PrettyBoy: I'll have what you're having
................ ERROR! Now there's no way in hell I'm going to give this boy Amala to eat, what kind of embarassment is that? So that he would tell his friends: "mehn i went to that emosh babe's house, she didn't even say rice or biscuit or anything, it's amala she offered".. My rep.
Emosh: Uhm, I'm not eating, haven't really eaten anything since morining (even me, I'm judging myself at this point, I'm going to church tomorrow, dont worry)
Mr PrettyBoy: Err okay.. a glass of water thanks

Throughout Mr PrettyBoy's visit, I couldn't help but think about my amala, everything he was saying was just going through one ear and coming out the other... THEN the most bastardic thing happened.. Jay walked into the living room..
Jay: "Emosh, Amala te ni kin toju, mo ti fi si microwave" (the amala that u said i should look after, I've put it in the microwave)
BLOOD OF JESUS!! I swear Jay is depriving her poor village of it's idiot.. and I can almost promise she did that shit on purpose..
But that wasn't even the issue now, I had to think fast, as Mr PrettyBoy is a Yoruba boy..so he understood what was going on.. perfectly.
Emosh: Dude, how many times have I told you I don't understand what you're saying
Jay: The amala that you said..
Emosh: Abeg its okay, its okay... no need to repeat yourself.. It was my mommy that told me to tell you to look after it..
Jay: Sugbon mommy so pe.. (but mommy said...)
At this point Mr PrettyBoy pretended to be checking ubertwitter on his phone
Emosh: Jay come, lemme show you something..
And i pulled her out of the room and gave her the blasting of her life.. but that's another chapter entirely..

When Mr PrettyBoy left, i rushed to the kitchen to meet some ant infested plate of amala
It was HIGHLY emotional!!

I've learnt a very huge lesson this night.. There's a huge difference between "15 minutes" and "1 hour". A whole 45 minutes to be exact. Always pay attention to what people say, it saves you some amala stress... I'm going to bed

... It's your girl Emosh..

Introduction

This blog is something I can use to channel most of my emotions hence the name (something like emotional), I'm not sure if it's meant to be funny or deep or poetic. I just feel the need to talk shaa (shocked? yes i am a Nigerian, born and bred! I do however school in England. Razz posh kid. Very well mixed. It's funny cause I alw... wait..I just realised I'm still in a bracket, shit.. must. get. out). There we go..I haven't even started blogging proper yet and I'm already going off point. Anyway where was I? Yes so I'm going to be sharing a lot with you guys (whoever comes across this blog) and I hope nobody finds out who I am cause if they do, my life is pretty much exposed.. Till then

... It's your girl Emosh..