Damn it feels so weird typing, I'm sure nobody even checks this site for updates anymore.. It's been a while.
The truth is there is way too much pressure.. like this blog has become some sort of comedy strip and every post has to be funny.. too much pressure dammit. I'm not a funny person, really!
... like no really, I'm not funny.
In fact I won't even bore you with any more explanations.. I'm just going to apologize and move one... Take it or leave it..
(fine, I'M SORRY! please don't stop reading my blog posts.. pleeeeaasssseeeee.... i promise to work harder, stop slacking and update more cause I've received all sort of threats and blackmails.. see wahala.. on top my own blog.. abeg oh. Thanks and God bless)
Moving on.. There are a few things i want to get of my chest.. one of which is:
My mom's driver is a very big IDIOT!!!!
I feel so bad for saying this but if you know what I've been through this summer..JESUS!
I do not drive very often in Lagos because they are fixing the roads of the only route I can take to leave my house so traffic on the express is automatically a bastard. The only car I'm allowed to drive in this house is manual and there's no way in hell I'm driving a stick in Lagos traffic.. no way.
A few weeks ago, my friends and I went to glover court to buy some suya (which by the way is the best suya spot in Lagos.. can i get an AMEN?!).. As usual, the suya spot was crowded and we were all dressed up.. we we couldn't exactly hustle our way to the front without looking like a bunch of idiots..
We stood patiently in the haphazard of a queue, we were actually almost at the front when Brother Meeko (the driver), decided to insist that he help us get the suya..
"I go get am fast fast".. he said.
We were elated! So we went back to the car (parked outside the gate) while our good man "helped" us..
45 GAD DEMN MINUTES..
.. and this guy was still NOT back...
I mean we had seen all sorts of people drive in and drive out of this suya spot.. So we decided to check to see that Brother Meeko was still alive and breathing...
This man was sitting down on a stone by the corner... a far distance from the suya queue..
I automatically assumed he had ordered the suya and was waiting for them to call him.. I decided to inquire.. you know.. just to be sure..
Emosh: Ahn ahn Meeko how far now?
Meeko: Ah emosh, i dey oh.. you no dey sit for car again?????
See jamb question.. If i was sitting in the car would I be standing infront of you??? I let that one slide..
Emosh: No No, i mean how far with the suya?
Meeko: oh! ah, d people wey dey here, dem plenty.. so i just tink am say may I sit don for here, make dem clear.. so once dem clear like this, I go buy d suya...
The way I'm describing brother meeko to you, you would think he's a very old man.. FAIL!! This is a young and agile guy in his early or mid 30s.. I mean I tried very hard to understand his reasoning behind his actions.. I couldn't. I JUST COULD NOT!
At the end of the day, we went back on the queue (right back to square one) to buy the suya our very own selves... Needless to say, we amongst the last set of people to leave glover court that day.
It was highly emotional... and embarassing..
That's not all.. oh no.. Brother Meeko is the main cause of my inspiration behind this post today because believe me, I've been going through so much recently that I've gotten really uninspired to blog or tweet.. but yesterday Meeko changed all that.. He put the icing on the bloody cake... I'll come back to this in a bit...
One of my mom's friends from church came to stay with us for the weekend the other day.. Let's call her Sister Sade..she has her own house in Lekki oh, why she came to stay with us, i honestly do not know.. Adults nowadays eh...
Anyway she decided to cook Sunday Lunch (unknowing to my parents) before she went back home in the evening.
I mean it's a lovely gesture and all but did they ask you?? oversabi..
So we were all seated on the table (her included).. ready to dig into the food they thought Jay (the househelp) had prepared...
I took the first bite..
...and I choked...
SEE SALT!.. The food was very very very salty and disgusting.. but I decided not to be rude cause I knew it was her that cooked the food, i was there when she cooked it..
"Emosh are you okay?".. she asked
Idiot woman, you want to poison us and you're asking me if I'm okay...I pity your husband..
"Err, yes aunty I'm okay"..
We were all eating silently.. and I mean death kinda silence.. nobody said a word cause it was obvious.. very obvious that this food was beyond gross..
My dad couldnt take it any more:
"MY GOD!... JAY!...... JAAAAAAAAAY!"
Jay ran into the dining room with the most terrified look on her face.. I shot a glance at my aunty.. she looked like she was about to pass out.. I held back an outburst of laughter..
"IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU?...What the hell is this??"
"No sir, I ..."
"No sir, WHAT?? Did you pour the whole bag of salt in the rice?... This is the worst food I've eaten!"
Jay was almost in tears
"No be me cook am sa, na Sister Sade cook am!"
Sister Sade looked like she had just seen a ghost.. she burst into tears and went upstairs. As soon as she shut the door behind her, i burst into laughter, I just couldn't stop.. this shit was too funny... who sent her to cook?? LOL.. in fact LMFAO.. As I'm typing this I'm still laughing.. Oh Lord.. fun times..
Anyway, how they settled that is none of my business, some apologies were made i guess.. I really don't care, she should sha not go near our kitchen again, that's my own.
That evening, my mom instructed brother Meeko to drop Sister Sade back in her house in Lekki. I needed to see a friend in Lekki as well so I went with them.
Before we left My mom asked Meeko if he remembered where Sister Sade lived..
"Ahn ahn, i know d house very well" he replied
We both slept off in the car on our way there as Brother Meeko has a habit of driving at 40 miles per hour on the highway.. and I'm not exaggerating. You know there's something wrong when all the okadas on the street zoom (and i mean ZOOM) past your car..
Meeko woke us up
"We don reach house ma"
I looked up to see us parked infornt of an uncompleted building..
yeah you read that properly.. it wasn't a typo... we were infront of an uncompleted building.. no doors, no windows, no furniture, no tiles.. just a pure concrete building. Plain and simple.
Hand on head, I took a deep breath..
"Mr Meeko, where are we?"
"No be madam's house be dis?"
I wanted to shout "WHY THE FUCK WOULD 'MADAM' LIVE IN AN UNCOMPLETED BUILDING??"
But i let it go.. Sister Sade and I go to the same church, that wouldn't have ended very well..
As in i was very very very desperate to know what was going through his head because that wasn't the first or second time he was going to Sister Sade's house..
In fact thinking about that day is getting me very upset.. I'm just going to move on!..
I told brother Meeko to take me to take me to picolo mondo.. I slept and woke up in Marcopolo.. but this is the type of thing I'm getting used to so I'm not even going to go into that..
On our way back home in the car, my guy started releasing mess.. (excuse the razness.. Emosh is in her element)..
But for real though, homeboi was not smiling.. At first, i turned off the AC and wound down the windows cause the car was stinking... I thought he would stop after a while.. but no.. my guy just dey mess dey go sha...
Meeko: Emosh, sorry oh, i no know wetin i eat, but water dey do me...
Meeko: eh, water shit..
Emosh: So why didn't you 'shit' all the time we were at picolomondo?
Meeko: Een come dey catch me now..
I was soooo irritated... meanwhile, i looked at the road.. see traffic.. BLOOD OF JEEZ!..
The way i'm relating this story to you, it's all like joke now but at the time, it wasn't funny...
Luckily for us, there was a petrol station with a chicken republic on our way.. we stopped by and spent almost an hour there..
By the time I got home I was PISSED OFF!
I'm going to stop now because thinking about Brother Meeko gets me very very emotional... and as always, I'm tired of typing...
PS: I know in my last post I said i was going to blog about one of my followers.. but the idiot does not deserve a whole post to be dedicated to him so that ship has sailed..
This summer has really been something like emotional...
...It's your girl, Emosh..