Wednesday, July 28, 2010

No. Emosh isn't dead

No Emosh isn't dead.
No Bimpe hasn't gotten to me/ prevented me from blogging, she hasn't even come yet.
No Nepa has not dealt wtih me
Well they have
But that's not why I haven't blogged

But really..
Emosh hasn't updated in like weeks, so sorry about that. I don't know if it's been "writer's block" or if it's cause I've been doing a lot of traveling recently.
But I've experienced A LOT of emotional events in these past few weeks, I don't even know where to start from.

But before I get into all that and before I forget as well, I entered small wahala this evening. I absolutely must share with you..
I have this Aunty.. Aunty Patricia.
Total bitch.
I hate her.
I think she's a witch. She irritates me.
And I know she hates me too, but because she's my dad's friend, she has no choice but to pretend to love me when my dad is around.

So she called the house this evening while I was on my way out. She asked to speak to my dad. Remember when you were a kid, and wouldn’t feel like writing down a phone number and just kinda pretended that you were? That’s what I did.


"Hello. Emosh is that you?"

"Yes. Who's this?"

"Emi? Who's this? You have no respect. The question you should ask is: 'who is speaking please?'. You're very rude"

At this point, I really wanted to drop the phone. I didn't have time for this rubbish.

"Good evening aunty Patricia. I'm sorry I did not know it was you"

"It doesn't matter who it is.. blah blah blah blah blah"..... "Anyway, where is your daddy?"

"He's not at home"

"Okay i need him to call me back, it's very urgent, tell him to call me back on this number, do you have a pen?"

"Please hold on aunty, let me get one"

Omo, this woman's wahala was much and I was in a hurry, i just couldnt be bothered

"Yes aunty"

"Okay it's 08134679306.. or my second number is 08057003005 . Then if he can't get through to any of them, tell him to call me on 4972035.. Did you get all of that?"


"Yes aunty"

"oya read out the numbers to me"



"Are you deaf? I said read the numbers out to me"


"You mean to tell me you did not write down the numbers?"

"I.. uhm.."

"ARE YOU MAD?! I cannot believe this! Is there something wrong with you?... There must be something wrong with you? ARE YOU AN IDIOT?.. Stupid, very stupid girl! Come on, will you go and get a pen before i lose my temper"

if you see the way i picked race eh... I even composed  letter of apology after i dropped the phone and emailed it to her.. because that woman is a witch i tell you! I'm sure she's going to report me to my popsi.. hiss

Anyway, that's that. So yeah, I've been doing a lot of traveling recently and I have to share the last travel experience with you cause of the gravity of trauma that I went through..

My flight was horrific, you know when you travel, you see all these JJC looking guys on the flight and if you're unlucky enough, one of them gets to sit right beside you? That's exactly what happened to me. I was certain this man hadn't been on any form of aircraft in his life.

I was seating on my own at first, if I can remember correctly, I was one of the first people to get on the plane so I was sitting closing my eyes, enjoying the moment. My seat was an aisle seat.. 32 J.. or something.
Before I knew it, I smelt something that caused me to wake up..
.. I opened my eyes, this guy wearing about 3 jackets, 2 scarves and a red "Indomie" cap faced backwards was walking towards my seat.
I started praying.
Attempting to speak in tongues even.
Almighty father, please let this homeboy just walk past my seat... abeg
God must have pitied me for that moment cause he walked by. I let out a sigh of relief and closed my eyes again.

I had gone into dream land when someone tapped me.

"Young lady, you have my seat"

I looked up and almost started choking... not because it was the same JJC guy that walked past me a few minutes ago. No. It was because of the stench that came from his mouth as he said those 6 words. I wanted to die.

"No. I'm pretty sure I don't 'have' your seat"

"See! They wrote it here on my paper..." *shoves ticket into my face* "seat number taty two"

I politely pointed out to him that it was 32 K which meant unfortunately he was seating beside me. My guy no wan gree oh.

"A ni you have my seat. I paid money for this seat.. blah blah blah"

So I called one of the air hostesses to sort things out cause I couldn't be bothered to argue with this guy. after about 10 minutes, he finally agreed to sit down beside me.
I knew it was going to be a long plane ride.
This indomie cap guy made me very very emotional, he kept waking me up to say rubbish and ask me stupid questions..

"You're not watching the feem?"

"the what?"

"the TV entertainment"

but how that one take consign you now...

"Nah, i'm straight thanks"

"Eeh, you'll hep me and put on my own, because it's like it's not working"

This went on all through the night, all sort of stupid questions and requests... I felt sorry for him after a while. We shouldn't really make fun of the illiterate because we are fortunate enough to be able to read and write (if you can read this, good news, you are literate.. congrats).
So my guilty conscience won't let me continue but I just hope none of you ever experience what I did.. and if you have, do share...

One more thing I want to talk about.. one of my followers on twitter, but I would leave this for the next post cause it's kind of long and I'm getting bored of my own typing.. so please stay tuned...
Once again it's been something like emotional

..It's your girl, Emosh...

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Rude Awakenings

Wow, Emosh has gotten a lot of love over the past few days, thanks guys! Now you're making her all shy and shit.
Nawa oh.

Anyway I haven't blogged in a bit, i apologize, been going through a suicidal phase. It's like ever since I started this blog, everyday has really been something like emotional. Curse perhaps??

My very lovely mother (refer to my last post) woke me up at 6.16am this morning to tell me that in a few weeks my cousin from Ibadan would be coming to stay with us and so "when I wake up", I should go out and buy her a present.

Two things popped into my head as she said this;

1. Is there a particlar reason why this information must be relayed to me at 6 freaking am in the morning?

2. What does "when I wake up" mean? I mean if you barge into someone's room and shout their name repeatedly then proceed to walk over and nudge them violently, NEWS FLASH, the person becomes kind of awake already.

But this is besides the point.. Since I'm being all anonymous here, I'm going to call this Ibadan cousin of mine 'Bimpe'. She's about my age. The last time she came, she spent a whole week and It was one of the most emotional weeks of my life.

 I remember the first night she arrived, she had to sleep in my room, I didn't mind, I mean I have friends who sleep over all the time. No wahala.

At about 3am, i started hearing noises. I ignored them, this is Lagos, there's always noise everywhere..
A few minutes later, i realised that these were not ordinary noises, oh no, someone in this room was laughing and it definitely wasn't me. I turned to look at Bimpe to see her smiling and giggling... in her sleep!
Omo.. if u see the way fear grip me...
I thought okay maybe she's having a funny dream, it happens right? Nah mehn, this babe just dey laugh dey go sha..
My mind started to race, I've never called Jesus's name so many times in my life
I decided to wake her up. I couldn't take it anymore.

I cleared my throat..."uhm..Bimpe.."



I tapped her, "Bimpe, please wake up"

She turned over to the other side and the laughing stopped. I was very relieved, i started to ask myself if I laughed like this in my sleep too. Also, when I go to my future boyfriend/husband's house, is this how i would be embarrassing myself?
This should be my next prayer point... I had started to drift off in my thoughts. Next thing..


Chineke. This girl don kolo for real. I respected myself, got up and quietly walked to my brother's room and slept there. Eh? What kind of madness is that? Lai lai, i won't be a part of it.

The next day, when we were having breakfast, she came down to ask me why I left the room, I gave her some flimsy excuse about how the room was too cold. She didn't buy it, she said she said she was sorry that she tends to sleep talk alot and she's sorry if I got scared.
I started feeling bad..but that shit was scary yo. Bimpe if u ever come across this blog, abeg no try am again. Haba. There should be some sort of cure for that type of thing. Word

The next couple of nights were sort of the same thing, after a while I got used to it, I even started replying her sef. Sometimes she would ask a random question in her sleep and I'll answer.. just to make her comfortable.
One particular morning before she left, her phone alarm went off at 6am.
She immediately got up and left the room.
I was very confused... Is she sleep walking now or something? Nawa oh. I left her.
5 minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes later, she still wasn't back...
I was very irritated, where the hell did this babe go now? She couldn't have gone to the toilet cause my toilet is in my room. I reluctantly got off my bed and went to look for her.

You would not believe what this girl was doing.

She was sitting down on the floor watching big brother "shower hour" on television. I'm not even lying to you.

My homegirl actually took time out to set her alarm clock for 6am so that she can watch naked people bathing. She might have as well asked me for my laptop so that she can watch porn or something. I could tell she was very embarrassed when she saw me so I didn't even ask her any question. I went back to sleep.

These are just a few of the random memories I have of Bimpe, but the most amazing thing about her is her accent. i cant explain it. I remember she was around when I was expecting my results a few summers ago and she kept on asking "are you navos?".. "don't be navos, God is with you". (Navos = Nervous, just incase you're wondering)...
Then words like "first" were pronounced as "fust".
Or "bird" pronounced as "board"..

Okay I'm starting to feel bad now, God forgive me. But somehow, I can't wait for Bimpe to come again, never a dull moment when she's around. I don't know what present to get for her though? Suggestions anyone??

P.S I don't know if anyone is following the 30 something year old guy story.. but guess what?
He read my last post.
Apparently someone put two and two together and showed him my post, but you people sef, nawa for you oh. One can't give you gist in confidence.. hisss
Anyway he confronted me about it and then unfollowed me on twitter. ooooooh, touchy! He didn't even say let me delete her off my bb. He decided to unfollow me. Pathetic much?
Next time don't go around denying your wife and kid and chasing small girls. Not that i'm a small girl or anything, but you get my point.

My hand is paining me.

.. It's your girl, Emosh ...

Monday, July 05, 2010

The 'M' Word

Emosh is not smiling today... Ah no, Emosh is PISSED OFF! Dear all, please go with me on this journey:

You're a guy
You're taking to a girl
You tell her you're single
No I must repeat that last line
She's indifferent
You tell her you want to meet up with her
She's like whatever
You go to see a movie
The "date" goes really bad
She gives you the "not interested" signals
You ignore them. You think you can change her mind, as a bad guy abi..
You find out she's in her 20's
She finds out you're in you're 30's
She gets freaked out and says to you.. omo mehn, I NO DO..
You tell her you don't look 30, and you continue to try and get in there
She starts giving you stronger hints.
You're still persistent
She does her research and finds out you have a wife and 3 year old kid
You deny it, you deny them, you deny your freaking family

... Because of a girl you are almost 10 years older than. What kind of person are you???
Ladies and gentlemen, do you see the problem with this?? Can you understand why Emosh is pissed off?

I mean these are the kind of boys my mother warned me about. For as long as I can remember my mother has always been on the MARRIAGE topic.. This very dreadful M word. If i told her I was involved with this kind of guy she might just kill me. Yes, I'm serious.. it is THAT serious. I don't hear word in the house, every small thing, marriage, marriage, marriage.

Typical Situation: My music is playing really loud in my room which is tidy-ish, but a few clothes lying about on my bed.
Mom walks into my room, turns off my speakers and screams: "Emosh what is this nonsense?? why is your room so untidy? Is this how you want to keep your matrimonial room? And why is your music so loud? Are you deaf or something???"
She slams the door
I give her two seconds
She walks back in
"honestly, I cant wait for you to move into your husband's house"
Or It's exam period, I'm studying hard, killing myself reading for exams, I cant take the stress anymore so I call my mom to calm me down (not a genius move)
My lovely mother says to me: "All this reading you're doing, you can read from today till tomorrow, book will not get you husband oh".... "but i dare you to fail your exams, just try me.. better go back to read and stop complaining"..
These are a few of the many of the "marriage talk" situations I go through...
One conversation I can never forget is a conversation we had over lunch. This was when I knew my mother was ready to be a mother in law like yesterday..
I'm just going to call my brother "James" for the purpose of this blog... Please note that James is still a young teenager who schools in England as well.

Mom: James, I don't see you bringing any girls to the house.
James: *blank stare*
Dad: Leave him alone, why are u harassing him?
Mom: No, I'm just concerned. So James, do you have a girlfriend?
She takes a sip of her drink
James: Yes
She almost spits out her drink
Mom: You what?
James: I have a girlfriend
Mom: What's her name?
James: Paige
Mom: Paige what?
James: Paige Forbes
My dad seems to be really impressed by this and then proceeds to have a conversation with James about this "Paige" of a girl.. all this while my mom is in deep thought.
After the conversation had long died and we had moved on to other topics, she goes:
"Boya Page oh, abi Paragraph, just go and bring Titi, Sade, Kemi and Ronke home, Sogbo??"

I understand why a mother would want the perfect marriage partner for her child though, I mean who wouldn't? My mother is a very spectacular woman and the way she prays and fasts daily for my future husband, even I can't wait to see who it would turn out to be.
The prayers get more intense as I grow older, some weeks ago, we were all praying, my mom leading in prayer as usual.

"Dear Lord, we thank you for today, we thank you for physical and spiritual blessings, I just want to pray for each and every one of us here today.."
I knew what was coming next.

"We pray for Rachel, we pray that she grows up to be an intelligent young girl, we pray that you help her stop lying and she fears you more"

3 prayer points for Rachael, I counted.

"We pray for James, we pray that he grows upto be successful, we pray that he mixes more with Nigerian boys AND GIRLS.. and if it's your will Lord, we prefer the girls to be Yoruba..."

3 prayer points for James, I counted.

"Now Lord, I bring Emosh into your hands"
She walks over to me and touches my head, my own must be different...

"I thank you Lord for what You've brought her up to be, I pray that she marries in time to the right person. May she not be an idiot and bring a white man home in Jesus name.." she opens her eyes and looks at me.. "I don't hear you say Amen"...
"Amen mommy, Amen"
I thought that was all, which kyn?.. she closed her eyes and continued

"I pray that you give her the wisdom and sense to know what her husband likes and doesn't like so that he would not leave her for a cheap ugly woman. Please remove the foolishness and disobedience from her so that she becomes a better wife to the kind, handsome and most importantly, blessed man you have prepared for her"
"May her wedding day be a success and i pray that she..."

And she goes ON! I stopped counting the number of prayer points after a while. By the time we finished praying, i shot a glance at Rachael and James.. They had dozed off long ago. James was even snoring..

The prayer was special but like I said, i can understand her worries. I think to myslef, is it because of the boyfriends I've had?? No that can't be it. Maybe she has dreams about my husband cause I remember a time she called me from Lagos and told me to go on a 15 day fast cause she has a bad dream about my husband.

I'm a very obedient child but omo.. 15 days??? Nah bruv, i kent do it. Is it me that had the dream??

But yes, you can now understand why If i told my mother I was involved with a 30 something year old guy who has a kid, she would probably take me to camp for deliverance.
And while we are on that topic, if you are a guy and you're reading this, can you please explain to me why guys do this?? Okay that's a serious generalization but i hate when guys cheat on their girlfirends but for you to go the extra mile and cheat on your wife.. Please explain the logic behind that the instinctive urge to cheat?

HEEEEEEWWWWOOOO! I just remembered something! Blood of Jesus!
Some weeks ago before the incident, he tweeted that.. in fact, lemme go and look for it and copy and paste it here.. (yes it's that serious)..

Found it! This is his tweet and I quote: "@30somethingyearoldguy: Don't get y married folks (man or woman) cheat inside their marriage? If u want to play the field, then u shouldnt have bothered 2 get married"

and me too like a mumu, i replied "i can marry you for this tweet". Right now I've picked race to my timeline, looking for my reply tweet to his tweet so that i can delete it. What kind of prayer have i prayed for myself.. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!

Why lie on twitter like that?.. and dont even say what if he's really not married.. he is! Cause my source is very very very close to the wife.

This right here is something like emotional...

...It's your girl, Emosh..