Wednesday, June 23, 2010

In memory of Bingo

OMG I think Mr Pretty Boy read my 'PAY ATTENTION' post, shit shit shit...How embarrassing is that…
Ok Mr Pretty Boy, if you are reading this, I just want to let you know that I was lying about the whole amala thing… I don’t even like amala like that. It’s not my type of food….. I know you’re not asking but my favourite food is actually Yorkshire pudding…

Anyway, today is the 5th year anniversary of the death of my best friend. Highly emotional day. Bingo was not only my best friend, she was my confidant and my inspiration.. Okay now I'm chatting shit, her name wasn't really Bingo, but for the purpose of this blog, I shall call her that. And if you haven't figured out already, Bingo is a dog.. Really going to miss her..

Some people take the sentence "A dog is man's best friend" a bit too literally! Some time ago back in England, I was on my way to a 12pm class and I was running slightly late.
On my way there, this white guy and his dog were standing on the sidewalk. The dog looked like one of those agbero type dogs and I was walking in their direction. (There was no other route I could take to my destination).
Next thing, I heard the guy say "Should we turn left here Charlie?"..


I thought okay, maybe he's on the phone or something, but I stopped, took a good look at him.. my guy’s hands were in his pockets. He goes "Charlie, you always do this, you're not answering me, do we make a left here???"
But na who dey follow this guy talk though… I looked at the dog, he was sitting down, that’s when he yawned one big yawn that exposed his razor blade type teeth… he now turned his ugly humongous face to look at me.
"Jehovah, Kings of Kings, Lord of Lords, Elshadai, Almighty father" Babes had to start praying mehn, cause this agbero looking dog #wasnotsmiling! The dog stood up and positioned it's body towards me.. At this point, I switched to speaking in tongues.

The guy now goes "Are u okay Charlie, do you want to go back? Is that it?. okay let's go back". Then they started walking towards me.. omo, i respected myself and crossed the main road to the other side, i'd rather let car jam me than this dog bite me.. WORD!
So i started walking on my own, i was so freaking late and I had one of those serious lectures. I put my headphones on and listened to my iPod. Next thing, someone tapped me...
I turned round to see this man and Charlie the agbero dog standing behind me. These guys crossed the road to follow me sha… WTF! "HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!" I started screaming as I was walking/running forward. The guy now started begging me to stop screaming.

Guy: Hey hey hey, please stop that, you're upsetting Charlie"
This is why I hate this country
Emosh: I'm upsetting who?
Guy: Charlie, he has feelings too you know, why did you cross the road?
I started walking forward, surely bobo yi ti ya weyrey (this man had run mad). They followed me, Charlie started barking.. This was getting very scary and irrititating.
Emosh: Please take that thing away from me
The guy suddenly jumped and covered Charlie's ears.
Guy: DON’T EVER SAY THAT TO A DOG AGAIN! He is not a thing, he is harmless, an animal just like you and I!
Is it my ears or did this idiot just call me an animal???
Emosh: Me, animal? Your fore-fathers
Guy: what?
Emosh: Look, I do not freaking care about China or Charles or whatever the stupid dog’s name is
And with that I started to run away… By the time I got to class it was 1.30pm. I shall never stop cursing that man… How can one be so psycho to start treating a dog like a human being? And if you are reading this and getting offended, get yourself freaking checked! Because the reality of it is: You. Are. Not. Normal!

I wanted to blog about something entirely different but this occured to me as I'm getting all emosh about Bingo. i have to run now, so many things to sort out, I'll be back though, need to get a few things off my chest.. till then

...It's your girl, Emosh..

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Quick one

Okay thanks to one of my trusted friends, i have new followers.. Yay
HOWEVER this is not really a post, I just want to say something really quickly, some of you have figured me out, some of you have figured the wrong person out.

If you already know me, refer to my profile description and if you think you know, please stop thinking. It's not for you.

I mean thinking about it (yes thinking is very much for me), I haven't really said much here, it's not gossip girl, abi I insult your papa?? so what's the big deal anyway

All that serious stuff out of the way, I hate getting all serious..
I shall be posting something today.. stay tuned!

...It's your girl, Emosh..

Sunday, June 20, 2010


Mehn it's really important to pay attention to what people say oh, I just need to blog about what happened to me this evening.
This guy told me he was coming to see me at home right, this was at 4pm ish, i had just gotten out of the shower at the time, wearing absolutely rubbish, hair in a mess, make-up less. He bbm'd me saying: "I'll be there in 15 mins".. tell me why my brain interpreted that to be "I'll be there in an hour"... BIG MISTAKE.
I went to the kitchen, asked the housegirl (let's call her Jay) what i was eating for lunch;
Emosh: Jay, hommie, what's cooking?
Jay: kile fe je? (what do u want to eat?)
Emosh: Anything mehn,, your girl's tummy is talking the hardest right about now
Jay (*wtf did this girl just say face*): eh?
Emosh: Never mind babe, what did u make this afternoon?
Jay: Amala
Emosh: *silence*
Emosh: okay fine, I'll have that

So that's how i went upstairs, balanced myself on the couch in my scary state..
....just me and my amala...
Had completely forgotten anybody was coming... I was too distracted by the fact that this was some good stuff I was eating.. I haven't had amala in like 3, 4 years and I was just realising how much I missed it..
So i had like 3 or 4 forks when I saw my bb light flashing.
I ignored it..
nothing can be more important than my amala right now.. Five minutes later, the light started to annoy me so I checked:
"I'm outside".
FAAAACKKIN HELL.. i started choking, I'm not even lying, i was choking as I picked race into my room. My mother came out of her room; "Emosh are you okay?".. I didn't even answer her, I just slammed the door..
What kind of disaster is this? I've never multi-tasked like how i multitasked this evening before in my life: brushing my hair as I was jumping into my skinny jeans as I was putting on some make-up, as i was brushing my teeth.. It was a sight to behold..
I took my plate of amala to the kitchen, I instructed Jay to keep it well. I told her that somebody will die if she threw the amala away..
I went outside, (checked myself in the mirror first).. saw my visitor who happens to be a very pretty boy actually so I had to do babe and all
I let him in;
Emosh: Sorry, it took so long, I was talking to my mom (... why are you judging me? what did you want me to say "Sorry it took so long, I was eating amala and i got distracted"????? no thanks)
Mr PrettyBoy: It's okay, no worries
Emosh: Do u want anything to eat or drink?
Mr PrettyBoy: I'll have what you're having
................ ERROR! Now there's no way in hell I'm going to give this boy Amala to eat, what kind of embarassment is that? So that he would tell his friends: "mehn i went to that emosh babe's house, she didn't even say rice or biscuit or anything, it's amala she offered".. My rep.
Emosh: Uhm, I'm not eating, haven't really eaten anything since morining (even me, I'm judging myself at this point, I'm going to church tomorrow, dont worry)
Mr PrettyBoy: Err okay.. a glass of water thanks

Throughout Mr PrettyBoy's visit, I couldn't help but think about my amala, everything he was saying was just going through one ear and coming out the other... THEN the most bastardic thing happened.. Jay walked into the living room..
Jay: "Emosh, Amala te ni kin toju, mo ti fi si microwave" (the amala that u said i should look after, I've put it in the microwave)
BLOOD OF JESUS!! I swear Jay is depriving her poor village of it's idiot.. and I can almost promise she did that shit on purpose..
But that wasn't even the issue now, I had to think fast, as Mr PrettyBoy is a Yoruba he understood what was going on.. perfectly.
Emosh: Dude, how many times have I told you I don't understand what you're saying
Jay: The amala that you said..
Emosh: Abeg its okay, its okay... no need to repeat yourself.. It was my mommy that told me to tell you to look after it..
Jay: Sugbon mommy so pe.. (but mommy said...)
At this point Mr PrettyBoy pretended to be checking ubertwitter on his phone
Emosh: Jay come, lemme show you something..
And i pulled her out of the room and gave her the blasting of her life.. but that's another chapter entirely..

When Mr PrettyBoy left, i rushed to the kitchen to meet some ant infested plate of amala
It was HIGHLY emotional!!

I've learnt a very huge lesson this night.. There's a huge difference between "15 minutes" and "1 hour". A whole 45 minutes to be exact. Always pay attention to what people say, it saves you some amala stress... I'm going to bed

... It's your girl Emosh..

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


This blog is something I can use to channel most of my emotions hence the name (something like emotional), I'm not sure if it's meant to be funny or deep or poetic. I just feel the need to talk shaa (shocked? yes i am a Nigerian, born and bred! I do however school in England. Razz posh kid. Very well mixed. It's funny cause I alw... wait..I just realised I'm still in a bracket, shit.. must. get. out). There we go..I haven't even started blogging proper yet and I'm already going off point. Anyway where was I? Yes so I'm going to be sharing a lot with you guys (whoever comes across this blog) and I hope nobody finds out who I am cause if they do, my life is pretty much exposed.. Till then

... It's your girl Emosh..