Monday, July 05, 2010

The 'M' Word

Emosh is not smiling today... Ah no, Emosh is PISSED OFF! Dear all, please go with me on this journey:

You're a guy
You're taking to a girl
You tell her you're single
No I must repeat that last line
She's indifferent
You tell her you want to meet up with her
She's like whatever
You go to see a movie
The "date" goes really bad
She gives you the "not interested" signals
You ignore them. You think you can change her mind, as a bad guy abi..
You find out she's in her 20's
She finds out you're in you're 30's
She gets freaked out and says to you.. omo mehn, I NO DO..
You tell her you don't look 30, and you continue to try and get in there
She starts giving you stronger hints.
You're still persistent
She does her research and finds out you have a wife and 3 year old kid
You deny it, you deny them, you deny your freaking family

... Because of a girl you are almost 10 years older than. What kind of person are you???
Ladies and gentlemen, do you see the problem with this?? Can you understand why Emosh is pissed off?

I mean these are the kind of boys my mother warned me about. For as long as I can remember my mother has always been on the MARRIAGE topic.. This very dreadful M word. If i told her I was involved with this kind of guy she might just kill me. Yes, I'm serious.. it is THAT serious. I don't hear word in the house, every small thing, marriage, marriage, marriage.

Typical Situation: My music is playing really loud in my room which is tidy-ish, but a few clothes lying about on my bed.
Mom walks into my room, turns off my speakers and screams: "Emosh what is this nonsense?? why is your room so untidy? Is this how you want to keep your matrimonial room? And why is your music so loud? Are you deaf or something???"
She slams the door
I give her two seconds
She walks back in
"honestly, I cant wait for you to move into your husband's house"
Or It's exam period, I'm studying hard, killing myself reading for exams, I cant take the stress anymore so I call my mom to calm me down (not a genius move)
My lovely mother says to me: "All this reading you're doing, you can read from today till tomorrow, book will not get you husband oh".... "but i dare you to fail your exams, just try me.. better go back to read and stop complaining"..
These are a few of the many of the "marriage talk" situations I go through...
One conversation I can never forget is a conversation we had over lunch. This was when I knew my mother was ready to be a mother in law like yesterday..
I'm just going to call my brother "James" for the purpose of this blog... Please note that James is still a young teenager who schools in England as well.

Mom: James, I don't see you bringing any girls to the house.
James: *blank stare*
Dad: Leave him alone, why are u harassing him?
Mom: No, I'm just concerned. So James, do you have a girlfriend?
She takes a sip of her drink
James: Yes
She almost spits out her drink
Mom: You what?
James: I have a girlfriend
Mom: What's her name?
James: Paige
Mom: Paige what?
James: Paige Forbes
My dad seems to be really impressed by this and then proceeds to have a conversation with James about this "Paige" of a girl.. all this while my mom is in deep thought.
After the conversation had long died and we had moved on to other topics, she goes:
"Boya Page oh, abi Paragraph, just go and bring Titi, Sade, Kemi and Ronke home, Sogbo??"

I understand why a mother would want the perfect marriage partner for her child though, I mean who wouldn't? My mother is a very spectacular woman and the way she prays and fasts daily for my future husband, even I can't wait to see who it would turn out to be.
The prayers get more intense as I grow older, some weeks ago, we were all praying, my mom leading in prayer as usual.

"Dear Lord, we thank you for today, we thank you for physical and spiritual blessings, I just want to pray for each and every one of us here today.."
I knew what was coming next.

"We pray for Rachel, we pray that she grows up to be an intelligent young girl, we pray that you help her stop lying and she fears you more"

3 prayer points for Rachael, I counted.

"We pray for James, we pray that he grows upto be successful, we pray that he mixes more with Nigerian boys AND GIRLS.. and if it's your will Lord, we prefer the girls to be Yoruba..."

3 prayer points for James, I counted.

"Now Lord, I bring Emosh into your hands"
She walks over to me and touches my head, my own must be different...

"I thank you Lord for what You've brought her up to be, I pray that she marries in time to the right person. May she not be an idiot and bring a white man home in Jesus name.." she opens her eyes and looks at me.. "I don't hear you say Amen"...
"Amen mommy, Amen"
I thought that was all, which kyn?.. she closed her eyes and continued

"I pray that you give her the wisdom and sense to know what her husband likes and doesn't like so that he would not leave her for a cheap ugly woman. Please remove the foolishness and disobedience from her so that she becomes a better wife to the kind, handsome and most importantly, blessed man you have prepared for her"
"May her wedding day be a success and i pray that she..."

And she goes ON! I stopped counting the number of prayer points after a while. By the time we finished praying, i shot a glance at Rachael and James.. They had dozed off long ago. James was even snoring..

The prayer was special but like I said, i can understand her worries. I think to myslef, is it because of the boyfriends I've had?? No that can't be it. Maybe she has dreams about my husband cause I remember a time she called me from Lagos and told me to go on a 15 day fast cause she has a bad dream about my husband.

I'm a very obedient child but omo.. 15 days??? Nah bruv, i kent do it. Is it me that had the dream??

But yes, you can now understand why If i told my mother I was involved with a 30 something year old guy who has a kid, she would probably take me to camp for deliverance.
And while we are on that topic, if you are a guy and you're reading this, can you please explain to me why guys do this?? Okay that's a serious generalization but i hate when guys cheat on their girlfirends but for you to go the extra mile and cheat on your wife.. Please explain the logic behind that the instinctive urge to cheat?

HEEEEEEWWWWOOOO! I just remembered something! Blood of Jesus!
Some weeks ago before the incident, he tweeted that.. in fact, lemme go and look for it and copy and paste it here.. (yes it's that serious)..

Found it! This is his tweet and I quote: "@30somethingyearoldguy: Don't get y married folks (man or woman) cheat inside their marriage? If u want to play the field, then u shouldnt have bothered 2 get married"

and me too like a mumu, i replied "i can marry you for this tweet". Right now I've picked race to my timeline, looking for my reply tweet to his tweet so that i can delete it. What kind of prayer have i prayed for myself.. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!

Why lie on twitter like that?.. and dont even say what if he's really not married.. he is! Cause my source is very very very close to the wife.

This right here is something like emotional...

...It's your girl, Emosh..


  1. Lmao DEAD at this entire post. Boya Page oh, abi Paragraph looool. Your blog is hilarious

  2. lmao...this was dead on funny!!!ha ha ha@the prayer.'i didnt hear you say amen!'.

  3. Too funny!I like your mum!lol!don't sweat the 'm' issue guys can deny even themselves just for a girl. its their way.

  4. ahhhh Emosh,its like we have the same mother or ur mother and my mother are very very good friends... she told us she wanted son-in-laws at her 50th birthday party. she was 50 in june and she keeps saying it. and as for the man, welcome to lagos. *smh*

  5. Guy point of view6 July 2010 at 19:43

    WOW! Okay speaking as a guy I can tell you I look at marriage differently from the way i look at my standard relationships and you can probably say to yourself "that's exactly what the 30 something year old guy said". I have no explanation for him but have you thought about the possibility that there might be a larger picture? He and his wife might be separated? He may really not have a wife and your sources might just be wrong?
    The fact that there can be possibilities alone means that you shouldn't be 100% sure that he's cheating.
    This is my point of view.